Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
