I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
