burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
