I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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