i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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