the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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