so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
