I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You did what with his pubic hair?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
