do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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