Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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