I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
