You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
