i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize