You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
