I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
