maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
