Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
