If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
