Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
