shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
