My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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