nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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