Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
