he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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