the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
