how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
