Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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