Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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