the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
