"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
