Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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