Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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