so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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