You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
