You smell like a Billy Joel song
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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