I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
