i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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