While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
