everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
