I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
