i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
