Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
