True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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