It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
