why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
