we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
