I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
