The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
