Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
