I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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