Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
